Tonight I write, not as the "survivor" I label myself as, but a honest and open victim of childhood sexual abuse. I'm a big fan of Law and Order Special Victims Unit, it doesn't really contain triggers for what I particularly endured though it has always prompted one particular thought I'd like to share with you.
Why do some victims become perpetrators, and others do not?
I've never had any sexual desire towards anyone illegal, I view child molesters with the utmost disgust, I've never contemplated perpetration or conducted it.
After many hours of contemplation, I believe I have found what saved my development, as I can only comment on my own situation. After a childhood rife with bullying, I had several violent outbursts once I moved away from my abuser. My parents taught me to internalize, that regards of what is done towards you, that you take it, keep your chin up, and move on. As with most victims, I have no "grey" area. Things are extreme, black or white. Naturally I took there guidance on internalization to the extreme. While I had no recollection of my abuse from the age of 8-16, the walls eventually came down. When they did I was forced internalize 8 years of pain and anomalies. The inexplicable incontinence from the age of 8-10, the bullying from 8-13. I was overwhelmed, reaching towards drug and forever contemplating suicide. I reached out to my girlfriend at the time, though ashamed to reach beyond that. I internalized.
I struggled with narcotic and THC addiction from the age of 16-19. Continued to cope, internalize the floods of memory and pain. The thought of taking my anger and pain out on an innocent child, or even a girlfriend, never crossed my mind. I internalized and eventually I began to escalate taking my anger out on myself. Cutting, the escalated drug use.
Though reduced it is a pattern I continue today. I feel embarrassed and ashamed to ask for help. As I often say, I would rather remain alone, cut, drink, abuse medication then call someone and vent.
I feel like a cage holding a beast within, and not a beast targeting children, just a rage consumed, spurned animal. An animal that would much rather slowly euthanize itself, than destroy what innocence remains in this world.
About Me
- @CombatJuicebox
- I am the soldier painting the peace sign. A contradiction. Torn between the life of inexorable contentedness and steadfast perseverance.The tribulations of a young man wrecked by guilt, attempting to discover salvation through prescription behavioral medication. While it may seem like a depressingly hopeless enigma, it simply is not. Like each voracious hurricane, there is always the eye of the storm, a moment of brightness and brilliance.
No comments:
Post a Comment