Judicial Interference.

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2013/06/12/girl-dying-cystic-fibrosis-to-receive-lung-transplant-today/

Simply put this is a travesty. The judicial system has no place determining organ transplant policy within the medical sector. The previous policy of offering viable organs to recipients above the age of twelve is in place for a reason. Patients older than twelve years of age have a far greater chance of a successful transplant due to an increased compatibility with both pediatric and adult organs. While I understand the plight of this child's family the court's interference in this matter is inappropriate and atrocious. If the patient had not garnered so much media attention she would not have been granted a temporary order placing her on the adult transplant list. The precedent set forth is that if you can obtain a significant amount of public notoriety the courts will be be coerced via public opinion to come to the rescue. The medical sector has donor systems in place for a reason, trust the medical professionals to due their job, the appropriate triage ensuring the most amount of good is done for the most amount of patients.

Furthermore, as harsh as it may sound, the patient's parents are liable for her condition. Cystic Fibrosis can be screened for prior to conception, or birth via genetic testing. While the pictures of this patient have resulted in widespread sympathy and public support the harsh reality is that the transplant may not be successful, and if it is, the patient's prognosis remains bleak. With a life expectancy of 37.4 years in the United States the patient will most likely remain on anti-biotic medication permanently, and might require a pancreas and/or liver transplant.

I'm not arguing that this patient should not receive the transplant, I'm arguing that she, like the thousands of children across the nation should wait her turn. "But if it was your child, you wouldn't be saying this!" Of course I wouldn't. "But what if she is the next Rosalind Franklin or Jane Austen?" What if the patient above the age of twelve who she jumped on the list is the next Stephen Hawking or George Orwell? Due to a judge being unable to face the family, and tell them that their daughter is going to die because of the fundamental principles of triage, an individual with a far greater chance of survival will die.

Desire

The history of medicine proves that in so far as man seeks to know himself and face his whole nature, he has become free from bewildered fear, despondent shame, or arrant hypocrisy. As long as sex is dealt with in the current confusion of ignorance and sophistication, denial and indulgence, suppression and stimulation, punishment and exploitation, secrecy and display, it will be associated with a duplicity and indecency that lead neither to intellectual honesty nor human dignity.

• Alfred Kinsey, in Sexual Behaviour in the Human Male (1948)

Considering he wrote that in 1948 Mr. Kinsey was significantly ahead of his time, which impresses me is how it still resounds true more than sixty year after he wrote it. Have we made no progress? His writing resonates particularly with survivors of sexual trauma. As a survivor it takes a daily and significant effort to accept how my trauma affects my sexual life and interactions. While I may be content with the issue, a partner's attitude and behavior can play a significant role in my confidence level. It is simply logical that someone you love has the ability to also harm you. It is for this reason that the majority of my sexual interaction has been with individuals who I have maintained at emotional arms length. Crossing a threshold, being sexually involved with someone you have a substantial connection with is both tantalizing and terrifying. I hope I'm up for it.

Interview

" 'By far, the most widespread criticism of your career, has been your lack of belief in happy and complete endings' He took a pause, fiddling with the tiny speck of dirt under his left thumbnail. 'Well it isn't necessarily a lack of belief in happy endings, but a matter of irrelevancy. The end is the end, whether it be positive, negative, complete or incomplete is quite irrelevant. I'm a realist...that is what they call me? Isn't it?' 'Yes, you have been called that.' 'Being a realist, you have to be a touch mad, and far too intelligent for your own well being, we saw that in Hemingway, in Bukowski. What were their lives?' Fiddling with his tie pin, the interviewer became nervous, almost out of his depth, after a glance at the recording camera...'Traumatic would be an appropriate word I suppose' 'As has mine. Being a realist, as the pundits like to call us, isn't something you can convert too or believe in. You're chosen, by who gives a shit what, and it is beaten into you. The curse of realism is beaten into your head by each and every trauma you endure and prevail through" A coughing fit interrupted his monologue, bringing a ragged handkerchief to his mouth the weathered man shook with every expectorant heave. Breathing deeply he continued. 'Bukowski, Hemingway, according to the critics, even myself, see what boys like you can never see. The troubles of the world will never weigh your mind, or your soul. The complete pain and irrelevancy of it all will never grasp you by the shirt and cough it's shit into your face.' The interviewer made a quick motion with his right hand for the camera to stop recording and a sense of relief overcame his face as he spoke. 'Well Mister..' the frail old man cut him off 'It isn't all bad though you know. With every curse, comes a blessing. Those kisses you give your wife and child that repeat themselves into meaninglessness, the twelve dollar cups of coffee you drink, and that fancy tie pin you can't keep your fucking hands off of. I suppose there are two blessings, the first being that while each of those means nothing to you, such a moment as kissing a beloved will resound far more in the chasms of my heart than in the dense corridors of your brain, secondly...that you turned the cameras off.' The frail weathered man in his tweed suit reached into his tweed jacket..."

Blowbang

With the emergence of the internet in concurrence with the puberty of my generation came the explosion of pornography. While previous generations sneaked glances at their father's playboys, or the magazines circulated around social circles, my generation used Lime Wire and the internet, to download naked pictures, videos, audio files. At twelve years old, rather than looking at still images, I exposed myself to explicit pornography. An irrelevant, past fact, from this fact we could direct this discussion towards the difficulties of parenting a generation of tremendous changes in society, but more so, due to recent event I'll guide this post towards the difficulty and effects of pornography on monogamous relationships. Particularly from the male perspective.

Pornography, at a minimum, on the subconscious level envelops men, at a young age, with unrealistic sexual expectations. Whether it be fetishes of group sex, the sexual aggression or god-forbid rape scenarios, the medium of the internet has allowed men to discover, what generations ago would of been unrealized sexual desires. Which is not necessarily a negative fact, however the key interaction is how these realized sexual desires, whether it be public humiliation or transvestites, come into the realm of play in a monogamous relationship.

I do realize pornography can be used as an effective and healthy tool in sexual relationships, I don't dispute that. Men can use it to show their partners positions, methods, etc. Some may find it more comfortable to simply show their partner, rather than explain. Also obviously, it can be used for stimulation if the pornography is suitable to both individuals. However the key focal point of the positive aspects of pornography in relationships is that it encourages sexual communication between partners.

Pornography does and can bring difficulties. Especially when the subject matter is discovered on a partners computer. By the age of, say 25, a man who has been exposed to pornography since the age of puberty may not be aroused in a masturbatory setting by a simple male-female "plain jane" pornographic scene. The progression of arousal may move from still images, to video, to any number of fetishes or desires, however in the instance of discovery, for example my girlfriend discovered fetish porn on my computer, it is vital that she understands one key fact. Women must be able to identify if their male partners can separate fantasy from reality, and if and when their partners want the two to collide. With that stated, it comes full circle back to communication, this time in a negative sense. When a man, of whatever history, not just my own Childhood Sexual Abuse, is discovered in terms of his deepest sexual desires it is important that he is not judged. Whether it be accepted, rejected, embraced or politely dismissed it is important that the conversation concludes with a respect for your partners desires and emotional well being. A man will be disappointed, possibly angry, if his wife refuses to try bondage or anal sex, but he will be ashamed, and hurt if she judges him for those desires.

Scalpels are a Cutter's Wet Dream.

I haven't posted in a while, close to two months. My reasons are various and quite irrelevant. I've thought about discussing many different subjects, the 2nd Amendment, the issue of Abortion and Stem Cell research, and quite a few others.

The winning votes of my last poll, all 6 of them, were to discuss Iraq/PTSD and Anxiety. To a degree, I will.

The week has been quite the colossal meltdown for me, and the reasons have been both personal and my past.I prefer, to not discuss the personal aspects today, but more so the past. I've yet to locate a specific trigger, but the past two weeks have been sleep deprived, anxious, nerve racking.  It is...the association between sleep deprivation and everything else that is the focal point of my symptomatic struggle. You sleep too much....you fall in REM sleep and have vivid nightmares of your abuse, atrocities, guilt riddled illogical scenarios. Too little...and you wander through your day irritable and in a haze, clinging to sanity until the duty day is over and you can express every emotion into a a cup of your preferred alcoholic beverage or other method of self destruction. So as I've bounded between these two states of dysfunction my supportive kindred have berated me about "taking care of myself" and the streak of self destructive behavior.

I have a negative self image of myself, for whatever reason, most likely my Childhood Sexual Abuse, and while I have improved in terms of self-confidence related to my job and professional life, I still struggle with one important aspect, personal confidence. So as I stumble, be it successfully and at a high-functioning level, I view myself as the Soviet Convict Battalions of WW2. Used by individuals as stop-gap measures, temporary fixes, fill the line, bridge the gap, and stop the pain, the pressure, regardless of the cost.

Do the most good, for the most people, before time runs out, regardless of what it may cost personally. For the privilege to say you left the world a little better, than you found it.

Catharthis

As my leave continues, now on its down slide, I have continued to draw conclusions as to the future. I spent tonight with a dear friend of mine. Her and I have never been spectacularly close, we don't talk often while we reside in different states, we have different lives. However every time I come home I ensure I spend time with this wonderful woman. Tonight we spent 6 hours talking about a variety of topics, she allowed me to prattle on about my recent break ups, therapy, and the like. To be cliche I feel as if weight has been lifted off my chest. My life is hectic, difficult, and tumultuous. Without people such as S,C,K, J, and T I would be lost. Each of them provide me with immeasurable support. While they have supported me through bad relationships, Iraq, and therapy they now support me on the road to recovery. For this, I can never thank them enough. 

I also appreciate the 3 votes I have received on my poll! Currently Iraq/PTSD is tied with Anxiety for my next lengthy serious blog post. In other news my good friend "C" will be beginning a blog soon. While I write about personal issues and conflicts, he tends to venture more into the realm of philosophy. Possibly coming soon is a link to my friend "S" artist Facebook page. She is incredibly talented, I'm just awaiting her permission.In the meanwhile here is her store page, well worth the price for such work. She often puts anywhere from 25-50 hours into her smallest paintings. They're stunning! As far as I'm aware she'll consider custom work on a case by case basis. Share it with friends!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/sredisni

Justification

As I sit here on a Saturday night, I feel like, due to a certain circumstance with a tweep of mine, that I should justify my behavior on Twitter. Twitter is separate from my life, only two people in my actual life know of my blog, and of my Twitter account. In this detached identity I'm often extremely friendly, supportive, and attentive. I have a paranoid fear that some believe I behave this way in order to achieve secondary gain. My goals and desires are simple. I have sat, without sleep, depressed staring at a massive collection of pills, glancing at my cell phone, and feeling as if I have no one to call, no one to go to. Sometimes we can't talk to those close to us, for fear of shame or judgement. I know what its like I have been there. That being said, I'll be blunt. On those dreadful nights of loneliness, depression, sadness, or discomfort, I want every person reading this post to realize that you can DM me on twitter and I will answer. It goes directly to my phone. I'll listen without judgement, I'll answer if you want, or you can just vent and scream into the void. Each of us endures the human condition in our fashion, and each of us is capable of enduring, and eventually prevailing. Though sometimes we need support along the way.